Tag Archives: PAL

I can’t wait to–

As you have seen from some of my previous posts, I have the joy of managing depression, anxiety, and OCD. This on top of being a loss mom can kinda put a damper on getting pregnant again. Someone suggested to me to make a list of things I am excited to do once I have another child, no matter how “trivial” I feel that they are. Take a look!

  1. Go to the Zoo and look at the elephants (my fav) and the lions (dad’s fav).
  2. Taking maternity leave.
  3. Picking out new outfits for the babe.
  4. Family pictures.
  5. Spamming my friends and family with endless baby pictures.
  6. Play-dates.
  7. Napping together.
  8. Watching my dog love my baby.
  9. Have the feeling of going back to work.
  10. Baby snuggles.
  11. Hearing my baby laugh.
  12. Bringing out my inner child–pumpkin carving, easter egg hunts, hide and seek.
  13. Feeling like I have a purpose in life.
  14. Experience their first “everything.”
  15. Teaching my child to do something.
  16. Seeing Nick happy.
  17. Being needed.
  18. Hearing them say “Mommy.”
  19. A reason to decorate an entire room with elephants 🙂
  20. Knowing if I have a baby I can do ANYTHING.

This was fun to do, and really made me focus on the positives, not the potential negatives. I think this would be super fun to do with your child’s father!

Gender, Disabilities, and Impairments.

This picture always makes me crack up! I know it’s in reference to gender identity, but it speaks to me as a loss mom. Instead of “Whatever-just wash your hands” I feel like writing “Whatever-just be alive and stay alive!”

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I don’t care if my child has a developmental disability. I don’t really care if they are a boy or girl. I don’t care if my baby is born a girl and decides they identify as a man. I don’t care if my baby is born without an arm, ear, or leg. I don’t care if my baby is blind, deaf, or has spina bifida. I DON’T CARE!!! I just want a baby that has the potential to live–I can work with anything else!!

When I was losing Nyla, I remember thinking, “Why does it have to be her heart–it’s a death sentence! Why can’t she just be missing a leg, or be wheelchair bound?? Why does it have to be something we can’t fix??”

Everyone has their own different opinion on this subject, but for me my only goal is that this BTB is alive and able to live life. Of course I want my baby to be healthy and have no problems–I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I’ll love my child just as much if they are autistic, wheelchair-bound, or didn’t grow all of their extremities.

So, BTB–just be alive and stay alive. We can get through anything else! ❤

5 things I am looking forward to in pregnancy.

As you all know, I deal with anxiety, depression, and OCD on a daily basis. Naturally this is going to be quite the roller coaster when I am pregnant, so I decided to find ways to stay positive.

It’s quite easy to list all of the negatives/annoyances of pregnancy. Feeling like a bloated whale, not being able to drink alcohol, swollen ankles, etc…Then there are the obvious joys; feeling the baby kick, seeing them on the ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat and picking out clothes.

I came up with 5 reasons I am looking forward to being pregnant.

  1. Not worrying about feeling fat, because Hey! I’M PREGNANT. I’ll rock that bikini with my bump, just you watch.
  2. Pampering myself. Pedicure, manicure, massage–here I come! I never do these things, but if I’m growing a human, I deserve some me time.
  3. Naps. ‘Nuff said.
  4. NO MORE PERIODS FOR 9 MONTHS.  THANK YOU JESUS.
  5. Not stressing about getting pregnant!

Take some time and think of your own! ❤

New Job Blues

I got a new job and I am kinda dreading the start of it. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to be leaving my current job. Starting a new job is just…anxiety ridden.

It’s beyond the walking on eggshells to figure out which co-worker you can say what to, or is this a work friendship or are we carrying this outside of work? I can deal with small talk, the what did you do this weekend, and all that. You know what I am dreading?

“So, do you have kids?”

Sigh. Here we go. Do I explain that I have 2 kids, but they died? I can’t just leave it with “Yes”, because then they expect details. But do I really want the pitying look when I explain my kids are dead? Or even worse, the “Oh shit, I shouldn’t have asked that” deer-in-the-headlights look? Awkward.

It’s like it’s not enough that I lost 2 babes, but it has to be rubbed in whenever I make new friends/acquaintances. It puts me in such an weird place–I can’t say no, but saying yes makes it so complicated. I just wish it didn’t come up and I could share as I get closer to people on my own. But it is an unavoidable conversation–hence the anxiety.

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Pink or Blue?

Ah, the age old question, “What are you hoping for? Boy or Girl?”

Let me just say it–I JUST WANT A HEALTHY BABY!!!

But, of course deep down I have a gender preference. Nick has always wanted boys–he went as far as to tell me once that he only made boys! Sorry babe, that not how it works…

This time around I would love to have a boy. Since Nyla was a girl, I think it would be nice to have the opposite gender. But truthfully I wouldn’t be even a little sad if I had another girl–who doesn’t want a mini-me?

As loss moms, I feel like we are obligated to say–“I don’t care, I just want a healthy baby” and leave it at that. Ummmm…….no.

PSA people!! We are allowed to have a gender preference–it is SO completely normal! Come on, it’s a given that we overall just want a healthy baby.  It doesn’t make us a bad person to also want that healthy baby to be a boy or a girl.

So screw people! Tell them! “I really just want a healthy baby, but I am kinda hoping for a girl.” Or skip the specification of “healthy” (since DUH!) and just say “We are hoping it’s a boy!”

Stand up for yourselves PAL’s–no one else has gone through what we have and therefore has no right to comment or judge us!! ❤

My Body, Part 2

Well my last post was kinda dark, angry and negative; so I felt like I needed a follow up post that was more positive. Make sure you ready My Body, Part 1 before this!

With body trust out the window, lets focus on hope. Hope, the only thing stronger than fear. The feeling that what is wanted can be had. Wishing is the fantasy that everything is going to turn out OK. Hoping is actually showing up for the hard work.

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I did some research and was surprised to find out that the topic of hope has actually been well studied. Jerome Groopman, (link at bottom of post), a writer at The New Yorker who is focused on medicine and biology, did a lot of digging. His research showed that there are two mental states associated with hope–belief that something can happen and expectation that it will. Those states have an impact on our nervous system, setting off a chain reaction that makes our improvement and recovery more likely. It literally makes us feel better to have hope–ever seen a happy hopeless person?

Now that we know how hope can help us, how do we hope in our bodies?

  • Keep your own personal identity–be YOU. TTC after loss often feels like we are a changing as a person, like we have donned a completely different persona. Don’t lose yourself in your desire to have another child. Your child will need you–not this alternate personality you are subconsciously creating.
  • Stay social! Understand you are not alone. Go to support groups, talk to your doctor’s office social worker, take this journey with a friend that has experienced the same thing. If none of that is your style, try blogging like me–create your own community.
  • Regain your control. Often in this journey I feel like I have lost the power to take an active role in my pregnancy. Set yourself some goals, or if you need something–advocate for it! Monitor your own health by tracking your blood pressures (you can buy an at home cuff), how much water you are drinking, how much weight you are gaining, etc…
  • Actively try to understand what is going on. Become a pregnancy expert! Is the doctor spouting terms you don’t understand? Write them down and look them up later–build that vocabulary! Figure out how to understand an ultrasound, what part of that baby blob is a leg? The more you understand it, the less you will be afraid of it.

I don’t think any of us TTC PAL moms will ever get rid of fear, but we can have hope–a single thread of hope is a very powerful thing. ❤

 

 

(https://www.newyorker.com/contributors/jerome-groopman)

My Body, Part 1

This was a very difficult post to write, and it’s kinda dark–I had a hard time putting it into actual words and was angry the entire time I wrote it. This is also a 2 part post, so see the next post after you are done reading this one.

Everyone says you have to learn to trust your body again after stillbirth or miscarriage. Naturally, my first thought when writing this post was to define what trust was in terms of a woman and her body. I found this definition:

“The act of placing confidence in someone or something else.” 

At first I thought I nailed it. Placing confidence in someone translates for us as placing confidence in ourselves. But, the second part of the definition stopped me in my tracks. “Or something else.” Something else? Then it hit me–I see my body as “something else.”

I don’t see my body and I as one. I feel detached, like it’s just something I’m stuck with. As if it’s just the vessel that carries me, my psyche, my soul–whatever you want to call it–around. A defective, useless vessel. If my body was a car, I would trade it in, take it to the junkyard, get a refund. I realize I view my body and I as two separate things. It’s just what physically carries me around. I don’t want this body–it let me down. Not once, but twice; and I sure as hell don’t trust it to not let me down a third time.

I feel like my body didn’t do its job. When I miscarried Riley (as much as it emotionally hurt), at least I could think “my body knew there was something wrong, so it just shut it down.” Don’t get me started on my retort to my body that “Well, you should have known all the ingredients weren’t right and not have made the baby in the first place!”

But my body failed BIG TIME on Nyla.  Like, major FUBAR. A “your fired” kind of mistake. So how to I trust it again? Well guys–I don’t. I probably never will. But I’m stuck with it–it’s like a bad relationship, that ex you keep going back to. I can’t break up with it, divorce it, or pretend it doesn’t exist. I can’t even distance myself from it by moving out of state! I have no choice but to give it a nasty look and think “you better not fuck up AGAIN.”

So when it comes to trusting your body after loss–throw that shit out the window. It’s not gonna happen. So focus on your desire to have a child again over trust building. Drown out those feelings of distrust with thoughts of baby cuddles, laughs, and little outfits. Trust is gone, all we have left is hope.