Tag Archives: loss

PAL is so different


We all know loss is hard, but remaking your life is just as bad. As a TTC PAL mom, I struggle with this. Today the phrase ” You know you are “X” if you…” popped into my mind. So I thought all day about my fears and insecurities of being PAL, and here is the result.

You know you’re a loss mom when:

You see those 2 lines and automatically think “hmm, wonder how long this one will last”, or “lets see if we make it past “X” number of weeks this time”.

You try to associate any and all signs of pregnancy (even if you are TTC) with something else. “It must be my anxiety”, or “I’ve probably got a stomach bug”.

You find out you’re not pregnant and even though you’re sad, there is that little twinge of relief in the back of your head; because it would be just that much easier to not have to open yourself to that kind of hurt again.

Everyone talks about your potential baby shower and you just smile and nod because who knows if you are even gonna have one or get that far.

People find out you are TTC and don’t understand why you aren’t taking a pregnancy test ASAP, not realizing how much courage it takes to even buy that damn thing.

Announcing your pregnancy is unthinkable. No cute pictures, onesies, or ultrasound scans. Instead, you think “How long can I hide this til I have to tell people who aren’t close to me?”

You ask your OB to not even tell you the Due Date yet because that way if something goes wrong again, that isn’t one more day of the year you’ll feel like shit.

It’s like a reflex to check for blood every time you use the bathroom.

You develop anxiety at the thought of having to go to an OB appointment–this might be the visit when you find out it’s all over….yet again.

You avoid planning a nursery until the last minute–just in case.

It takes a brave woman to be pregnant, but when its a PAL that woman becomes the bravest human alive. ❤


Hey Friends!

So I follow a bunch of other loss mom bloggers, and we all have our own ways of expressing ourselves. I was reading this fellow bloggers post, and this excerpt really resonated with me–leaving me sitting on the couch thinking “Damn. She put it so well.”

Here is the excerpt and please go check out her blog and support her too! We are all a community, no matter how unfortunate a one ❤


“I’m not good with secrets. They’ve almost always been toxic in my life. But sometimes I just don’t want to share. If I just met you and I’m not ever planning on speaking to you again, I might tell you I have 4 daughters and leave it at that. If I’m in a big group of people and I’m feeling extra vulnerable and I don’t want to cry in front of everyone, I might do the same. Alternatively, there have been times when I’ve met a perfect stranger in the bathroom that I don’t expect to ever speak to again (and really hope not to) and their question hits me the wrong way and I’ll go dead baby with them whether they want to go there with me or not.

Sometimes I want to talk about it and sometimes I don’t. Some people I want to share my Heaven babies with and some people I don’t. Sometimes I spare people the pain I know my pain evokes and sometimes I smash them with it because I can. It’s complicated and honestly I don’t even understand it myself.”

Ladies, I can say this with all honesty–I’ve been in that bathroom and I’ve gone dead baby too. It just comes out sometimes.

Stay strong mamas!! <3<3<3

New Job Blues

I got a new job and I am kinda dreading the start of it. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to be leaving my current job. Starting a new job is just…anxiety ridden.

It’s beyond the walking on eggshells to figure out which co-worker you can say what to, or is this a work friendship or are we carrying this outside of work? I can deal with small talk, the what did you do this weekend, and all that. You know what I am dreading?

“So, do you have kids?”

Sigh. Here we go. Do I explain that I have 2 kids, but they died? I can’t just leave it with “Yes”, because then they expect details. But do I really want the pitying look when I explain my kids are dead? Or even worse, the “Oh shit, I shouldn’t have asked that” deer-in-the-headlights look? Awkward.

It’s like it’s not enough that I lost 2 babes, but it has to be rubbed in whenever I make new friends/acquaintances. It puts me in such an weird place–I can’t say no, but saying yes makes it so complicated. I just wish it didn’t come up and I could share as I get closer to people on my own. But it is an unavoidable conversation–hence the anxiety.


Pink or Blue?

Ah, the age old question, “What are you hoping for? Boy or Girl?”

Let me just say it–I JUST WANT A HEALTHY BABY!!!

But, of course deep down I have a gender preference. Nick has always wanted boys–he went as far as to tell me once that he only made boys! Sorry babe, that not how it works…

This time around I would love to have a boy. Since Nyla was a girl, I think it would be nice to have the opposite gender. But truthfully I wouldn’t be even a little sad if I had another girl–who doesn’t want a mini-me?

As loss moms, I feel like we are obligated to say–“I don’t care, I just want a healthy baby” and leave it at that. Ummmm…….no.

PSA people!! We are allowed to have a gender preference–it is SO completely normal! Come on, it’s a given that we overall just want a healthy baby.  It doesn’t make us a bad person to also want that healthy baby to be a boy or a girl.

So screw people! Tell them! “I really just want a healthy baby, but I am kinda hoping for a girl.” Or skip the specification of “healthy” (since DUH!) and just say “We are hoping it’s a boy!”

Stand up for yourselves PAL’s–no one else has gone through what we have and therefore has no right to comment or judge us!! ❤

My Body, Part 2

Well my last post was kinda dark, angry and negative; so I felt like I needed a follow up post that was more positive. Make sure you ready My Body, Part 1 before this!

With body trust out the window, lets focus on hope. Hope, the only thing stronger than fear. The feeling that what is wanted can be had. Wishing is the fantasy that everything is going to turn out OK. Hoping is actually showing up for the hard work.

hope-1-2                      hope

I did some research and was surprised to find out that the topic of hope has actually been well studied. Jerome Groopman, (link at bottom of post), a writer at The New Yorker who is focused on medicine and biology, did a lot of digging. His research showed that there are two mental states associated with hope–belief that something can happen and expectation that it will. Those states have an impact on our nervous system, setting off a chain reaction that makes our improvement and recovery more likely. It literally makes us feel better to have hope–ever seen a happy hopeless person?

Now that we know how hope can help us, how do we hope in our bodies?

  • Keep your own personal identity–be YOU. TTC after loss often feels like we are a changing as a person, like we have donned a completely different persona. Don’t lose yourself in your desire to have another child. Your child will need you–not this alternate personality you are subconsciously creating.
  • Stay social! Understand you are not alone. Go to support groups, talk to your doctor’s office social worker, take this journey with a friend that has experienced the same thing. If none of that is your style, try blogging like me–create your own community.
  • Regain your control. Often in this journey I feel like I have lost the power to take an active role in my pregnancy. Set yourself some goals, or if you need something–advocate for it! Monitor your own health by tracking your blood pressures (you can buy an at home cuff), how much water you are drinking, how much weight you are gaining, etc…
  • Actively try to understand what is going on. Become a pregnancy expert! Is the doctor spouting terms you don’t understand? Write them down and look them up later–build that vocabulary! Figure out how to understand an ultrasound, what part of that baby blob is a leg? The more you understand it, the less you will be afraid of it.

I don’t think any of us TTC PAL moms will ever get rid of fear, but we can have hope–a single thread of hope is a very powerful thing. ❤




My Body, Part 1

This was a very difficult post to write, and it’s kinda dark–I had a hard time putting it into actual words and was angry the entire time I wrote it. This is also a 2 part post, so see the next post after you are done reading this one.

Everyone says you have to learn to trust your body again after stillbirth or miscarriage. Naturally, my first thought when writing this post was to define what trust was in terms of a woman and her body. I found this definition:

“The act of placing confidence in someone or something else.” 

At first I thought I nailed it. Placing confidence in someone translates for us as placing confidence in ourselves. But, the second part of the definition stopped me in my tracks. “Or something else.” Something else? Then it hit me–I see my body as “something else.”

I don’t see my body and I as one. I feel detached, like it’s just something I’m stuck with. As if it’s just the vessel that carries me, my psyche, my soul–whatever you want to call it–around. A defective, useless vessel. If my body was a car, I would trade it in, take it to the junkyard, get a refund. I realize I view my body and I as two separate things. It’s just what physically carries me around. I don’t want this body–it let me down. Not once, but twice; and I sure as hell don’t trust it to not let me down a third time.

I feel like my body didn’t do its job. When I miscarried Riley (as much as it emotionally hurt), at least I could think “my body knew there was something wrong, so it just shut it down.” Don’t get me started on my retort to my body that “Well, you should have known all the ingredients weren’t right and not have made the baby in the first place!”

But my body failed BIG TIME on Nyla.  Like, major FUBAR. A “your fired” kind of mistake. So how to I trust it again? Well guys–I don’t. I probably never will. But I’m stuck with it–it’s like a bad relationship, that ex you keep going back to. I can’t break up with it, divorce it, or pretend it doesn’t exist. I can’t even distance myself from it by moving out of state! I have no choice but to give it a nasty look and think “you better not fuck up AGAIN.”

So when it comes to trusting your body after loss–throw that shit out the window. It’s not gonna happen. So focus on your desire to have a child again over trust building. Drown out those feelings of distrust with thoughts of baby cuddles, laughs, and little outfits. Trust is gone, all we have left is hope.





So, quite obviously this is my family tree. I want to write about the characteristics that I hope will be passed on to BTB (baby to be) by the family. I have to say, this topic really made me think, and was pretty fun. I recommend doing it!

So, a quick rundown of the tree–Nick’s side can get pretty confusing! Nick’s parents are Len and Tracy (now divorced) and they had three boys together–Nick, Andrew, and Jake. Tracy remarried to Bill who had two daughters from a previous marriage–Jess and Casey, so they are Nick’s step-sisters. Nick’s dad also remarried and had two more kids–Jon and Katie,Nick’s half-siblings. I won’t even factor in all Nick’s cousins, there are too many to count and after 6 years I still can’t keep them straight! As for Nick’s grandparents, they have all passed on (before I met Nick) except Gloria.

On my side, it is pretty straightforward. My parents were only children, and my grandparents have all passed on (I only knew my grandmothers). My two younger brothers Thomas and Samuel also passed on before/at birth. My other brother John is the eldest sibling of the family.

So, now that any possible confusion has been straightened out, lets get down to what I hope is passed on! Lets start with Nick’s side.

As you can probably guess, our daughter Nyla was named after Nick’s grandmother on his dad’s side. I never got the privileged of meeting her as she had long since passed on when I entered the picture. From all that I hear she was an utterly amazing woman, and meant a lot to everyone right up until the day she died. That is why we named our daughter Nyla, it would be such gift for her to have grown up into half the woman Grandma Nyla was.

As I do know my husband’s grandmother Gloria well, I hope that our BTB is as caring and kind as she still is, well into her eighties. I wish that he or she will grow to have the love for their children as my father-in-law Len does. That they will be as smart and responsible as Nick’s mom Tracy, and have the sense of humor and fairness of his step-dad Bill.

I want our child to have the sensitivity and generosity of Nick’s younger brother Jake, and the confident and enthusiastic personality of his other brother Drew. I pray that he or she has the sincere love for animals just as much as my sister-in-law Jess. I don’t know much about Jess’s sister Casey, but as I get to know her I am sure she will have a trait I hope my BTB has! I dream that our baby has the bubbliness and creativity of the hub’s little sister Katie, and the knack for saving money like his youngest brother Jon.

As for my side of the family, my input is limited as I am estranged from my parents; all my grandparents have passed, and my brother is kinda off in his own world. But I’ll give it a try! I wish for our babe to have the hard-work ethic of my dad, and the cooking skills of my mother. I hope that he/she inherits the ambition and self-dicipline of my brother John.

So now–what do I hope they inherit from Nick and I?? My longing is that our BTB gets Nick’s loyalty, honesty, compassion, forgiveness and authenticity. I hope that he/she gets my desire to help people, courage to stand up for what is right, and my perseverance to succeed in life.

I want my child to be their own person, but these are some of the important traits I wish that they will have ❤