Tag Archives: childloss

One foot in front of the other

Folks, I took another step today.

About 2 months ago I created a baby registry. I put 2 things on it and never touched it again.

Today, I filled it out with basic baby items. I felt like I needed to do something to address the fact that I still feel like I’m in denial that I’m pregnant again. I need to make this real to myself.

I just hit 11 weeks and a small bump popped up! I thought for sure it was too early, but after some research I discovered you can have a bump as early as 10 weeks if it’s not your first pregnancy.

I finally bought some maternity bras. I’ve needed them for weeks now, but even after trying 4 different stores I couldn’t find and that I was comfortable in. I really didn’t want to buy any online, but I got sick of store hopping. They will be coming in the mail soon, so here’s hoping!

Morning sickness is settling for the most part, but I can’t tell if it’s gone because I’ve been able to sleep in. The real test will be when I get another job and have to get up early in the morning again. I think this little one prefers to sleep in!

Turkey and Mistletoe

Ah, the holidays. Every loss mom’s 2nd most hated time of year.

A time to be grateful, thankful, spend time with your family. Spread cheer and good wishes. Decorations and parties, gifts and family pictures.

Well I’ll be honest. I hate all of it.

Don’t tell me to be grateful and thankful when my kids were ripped out of my life. I don’t want to spend time with family because my family is never complete. Screw your cheer and good wishes, life handed me misery and pain. I don’t have my kids to help decorate, go to cookie baking parties, help me messily wrap gifts or wear adorable outfits for the family photo.

My little one isn’t covered in mashed potatoes, or passed out in a sugar coma under the Christmas tree. There’s no making of Christmas lists or spying for Santa on the neighbors roof. I’m watching the Thanksgiving day parade and The Grinch by myself.

So how on earth do we deal with it? We stand up for ourselves and include our dearly missed children however we can.

I tell my mother in law that I am not going to church on Christmas Eve because I couldn’t give two shits about God since he took my kids away.

I unfollow my friends with little kids on social media for a bit so I don’t have to see all the cute little outfits, pictures on Santa’s lap, or faces covered in cookie frosting.

I make sure if there are any family photos that my necklace with Nyla’s ashes in it is visible on the front of my shirt.

I buy my kids Christmas ornaments every year and hang them front and center on the tree.

The holidays are a terrible time. Do what you have to to get through them. ❤

Project Benjamin

ALL CREDITS TO DANA DEWEDOFF

A dear friend shared this article with me and it resonated so much that I knew I needed to share it with all of you too.

https://riseforwomen.org/rise-projects/projectbenjamin

Project Benjamin #TheyMatterToo Campaign

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

Sometimes #Struggledoesnothavealook 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage or loss, yet how many women do you know who actually talk about it? We are the face of 1 in 4 pregnancies. Start the discussion. We wrote down the common things people say to us before and sometimes even after knowing about our losses.

The things said to us can sometimes hurt. Our babies matter too.

It appears that Michelle has the “perfect life.” Great job, fit, and is usually seen SMILING. But the truth is, Michelle lost her daughter Micah in 2012, a loss she struggles with every single day.

When Shannon is asked how many children she has, she usually gasps because she does not know what to say. Should she tell them two? Should she tell them three?

When Melissa tells people she lost her daughter Averi, at 28 weeks, they sometimes respond with, “Well you can adopt.”

People often ask Andrea when she is going to start having children. But she has one. An angel.

Dara Sawyer said that the comment that hurts her the most is “You’re so lucky! You have one of each!” But she actually has two boys and one girl. One boy is an angel.

Christina is often told “maybe it was meant to be” regarding the loss of her Son, Hunter Anthony at 25 weeks, 2 days.

At the age of 15, Aubrey was told her baby was not a “baby”. She had an abortion. Years later, she suffered a miscarriage. She again was told, “It’s not a baby.”

Christina said that many people will say, “He needs a brother!” to her. Little do they know, she has suffered the pain of losing a son shortly after birth and a miscarriage.

People have said “but he never lived” about her son Lennon, who was born still. This hurts Morgan.

Dana went for a well visit check almost every week since finding out she was pregnant. In June, she went for a routine check. She was just entering the second trimester. The doctor discovered there was no heartbeat. Minutes later, she told Dana that “it was the wrong baby. And her body was doing it’s job to get rid of it.”

 

I can’t wait to–

As you have seen from some of my previous posts, I have the joy of managing depression, anxiety, and OCD. This on top of being a loss mom can kinda put a damper on getting pregnant again. Someone suggested to me to make a list of things I am excited to do once I have another child, no matter how “trivial” I feel that they are. Take a look!

  1. Go to the Zoo and look at the elephants (my fav) and the lions (dad’s fav).
  2. Taking maternity leave.
  3. Picking out new outfits for the babe.
  4. Family pictures.
  5. Spamming my friends and family with endless baby pictures.
  6. Play-dates.
  7. Napping together.
  8. Watching my dog love my baby.
  9. Have the feeling of going back to work.
  10. Baby snuggles.
  11. Hearing my baby laugh.
  12. Bringing out my inner child–pumpkin carving, easter egg hunts, hide and seek.
  13. Feeling like I have a purpose in life.
  14. Experience their first “everything.”
  15. Teaching my child to do something.
  16. Seeing Nick happy.
  17. Being needed.
  18. Hearing them say “Mommy.”
  19. A reason to decorate an entire room with elephants 🙂
  20. Knowing if I have a baby I can do ANYTHING.

This was fun to do, and really made me focus on the positives, not the potential negatives. I think this would be super fun to do with your child’s father!

Gender, Disabilities, and Impairments.

This picture always makes me crack up! I know it’s in reference to gender identity, but it speaks to me as a loss mom. Instead of “Whatever-just wash your hands” I feel like writing “Whatever-just be alive and stay alive!”

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I don’t care if my child has a developmental disability. I don’t really care if they are a boy or girl. I don’t care if my baby is born a girl and decides they identify as a man. I don’t care if my baby is born without an arm, ear, or leg. I don’t care if my baby is blind, deaf, or has spina bifida. I DON’T CARE!!! I just want a baby that has the potential to live–I can work with anything else!!

When I was losing Nyla, I remember thinking, “Why does it have to be her heart–it’s a death sentence! Why can’t she just be missing a leg, or be wheelchair bound?? Why does it have to be something we can’t fix??”

Everyone has their own different opinion on this subject, but for me my only goal is that this BTB is alive and able to live life. Of course I want my baby to be healthy and have no problems–I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I’ll love my child just as much if they are autistic, wheelchair-bound, or didn’t grow all of their extremities.

So, BTB–just be alive and stay alive. We can get through anything else! ❤

PAL is so different

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We all know loss is hard, but remaking your life is just as bad. As a TTC PAL mom, I struggle with this. Today the phrase ” You know you are “X” if you…” popped into my mind. So I thought all day about my fears and insecurities of being PAL, and here is the result.

You know you’re a loss mom when:

You see those 2 lines and automatically think “hmm, wonder how long this one will last”, or “lets see if we make it past “X” number of weeks this time”.

You try to associate any and all signs of pregnancy (even if you are TTC) with something else. “It must be my anxiety”, or “I’ve probably got a stomach bug”.

You find out you’re not pregnant and even though you’re sad, there is that little twinge of relief in the back of your head; because it would be just that much easier to not have to open yourself to that kind of hurt again.

Everyone talks about your potential baby shower and you just smile and nod because who knows if you are even gonna have one or get that far.

People find out you are TTC and don’t understand why you aren’t taking a pregnancy test ASAP, not realizing how much courage it takes to even buy that damn thing.

Announcing your pregnancy is unthinkable. No cute pictures, onesies, or ultrasound scans. Instead, you think “How long can I hide this til I have to tell people who aren’t close to me?”

You ask your OB to not even tell you the Due Date yet because that way if something goes wrong again, that isn’t one more day of the year you’ll feel like shit.

It’s like a reflex to check for blood every time you use the bathroom.

You develop anxiety at the thought of having to go to an OB appointment–this might be the visit when you find out it’s all over….yet again.

You avoid planning a nursery until the last minute–just in case.

It takes a brave woman to be pregnant, but when its a PAL that woman becomes the bravest human alive. ❤

Community

Hey Friends!

So I follow a bunch of other loss mom bloggers, and we all have our own ways of expressing ourselves. I was reading this fellow bloggers post, and this excerpt really resonated with me–leaving me sitting on the couch thinking “Damn. She put it so well.”

Here is the excerpt and please go check out her blog and support her too! We are all a community, no matter how unfortunate a one ❤

https://christinaburlesonblog.wordpress.com/

“I’m not good with secrets. They’ve almost always been toxic in my life. But sometimes I just don’t want to share. If I just met you and I’m not ever planning on speaking to you again, I might tell you I have 4 daughters and leave it at that. If I’m in a big group of people and I’m feeling extra vulnerable and I don’t want to cry in front of everyone, I might do the same. Alternatively, there have been times when I’ve met a perfect stranger in the bathroom that I don’t expect to ever speak to again (and really hope not to) and their question hits me the wrong way and I’ll go dead baby with them whether they want to go there with me or not.

Sometimes I want to talk about it and sometimes I don’t. Some people I want to share my Heaven babies with and some people I don’t. Sometimes I spare people the pain I know my pain evokes and sometimes I smash them with it because I can. It’s complicated and honestly I don’t even understand it myself.”

Ladies, I can say this with all honesty–I’ve been in that bathroom and I’ve gone dead baby too. It just comes out sometimes.

Stay strong mamas!! <3<3<3