I have a long drive to work and back home so I try to use that time to really think over an issue that I need to resolve. I think about it during that time because otherwise my anxiety will perseverate on it all day. So, my therapist once said to pick a time of day to do all your thinking/worrying and get it all out in that allotted space of time. I have to say, it actually works pretty well.
So, my latest issue to resolve is whether or not to do a pregnancy announcement when we are finally pregnant. If you have never experienced a pregnancy loss ( and I pray to God none of you ever will) you won’t understand why this is such a hard decision. It’s a decision that every PAL couple has to make–and everyone makes a different decision. Any decision on the matter is never wrong. PAL affects everyone differently, and every couple has to make the decision that is right for them.
I personally am torn. Announcements are really fun to do, you can tailor them to your likes and preferences, and pretty much everyone enjoys them! But, what am I supposed to do if I put one up and miscarry or have a stillbirth yet again? Take it down and pretend like it was never was announced? That seems disrespectful to my child. But I can’t just leave it up there because them people will think I am still pregnant. Do I want to do a death announcement? Then I have to deal with condolences from everyone–and come to terms that my child is really dead. That reality can take a very long time to sink it and in my opinion, should never be rushed. We all grieve differently.
I think the heart of the issue culminates in the thought “Do I want people to know I’m pregnant or not?” If I tell people, then I have support and shared excitement. But if I don’t tell people and the babe passes–then I don’t have to talk to anyone about it. But let’s be honest, even if babe #3 passes, I will still talk about him/her like I have with my first 2. I never answer the question “Do you have children?” with a no. I’m proud that I’m a mom, and seek to fight the stigma about talking miscarriage/stillbirth. I will be the first person that talks about my experience with child loss and my kids.
But, there comes a point in pregnancy that everyone can tell you’re pregnant–no avoiding the obvious bump protruding from you. But, until you get to that stage, you can hide it. I didn’t make a big deal out of my previous pregnancies, but I did let most people know.
It’s tempting to just sit back and let people figure it out once I’m past the “Is she just fat or pregnant?” stage. I am leaning toward a compromise to the situation. I love doing the cute announcements and I think I deserve the good feelings and excitement it brings, so I will do some for my close friends and family. However, I will leave myself the choice to do a mass announcement if I feel like it later on. There is no point making a decision that I might change when I’m 5 months pregnant–no matter how much my OCD likes everything nailed down into place!
Now for an update on TTC Day 5.
Today my “Scared Shit-less” meter was at a 2, and my “Excitement” meter was still at an 8.
Nick and I had friends over, and after settling down on the couch with a glass of wine I started talking to my friend “A” about trying again. Just telling another friend that we are planning on being pregnant again felt good. I feel like I am fighting the stigma of not talking about miscarriage or still birth by just telling my friends that we are trying. I’m not gonna keep quiet out of fear that something bad is going to happen again. I WILL have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.
However, the “Red Death” showed up today (sorry folks, if you are reading my blog you are gonna get period talk!) and informed me that I am not pregnant this month. Not a shocker as we just started trying, but there is always a little hope that I’ll get pregnant right away. I think this is responsible for my slight spike in the “Scared Shit-less” meter. The longer it takes to get pregnant, the more I will try to second guess my decision (thanks a bunch anxiety).
Due to shark week (ugh), there will be a brief hiatus from the “TTC” series until it is time to “TTC” again.
If anyone has any topic that they think that I should write on, please comment. I am thinking up new ones everyday, but would never mind some input. Some of this next weeks entries will be on the following:
Having a healthy Mantra to repeat
How do you feel about the phrase “Rainbow” baby?
The guilt of complaining about symptoms while PAL
Dealing with depression and anxiety during a PAL