Tag Archives: anxiety

One foot in front of the other

Folks, I took another step today.

About 2 months ago I created a baby registry. I put 2 things on it and never touched it again.

Today, I filled it out with basic baby items. I felt like I needed to do something to address the fact that I still feel like I’m in denial that I’m pregnant again. I need to make this real to myself.

I just hit 11 weeks and a small bump popped up! I thought for sure it was too early, but after some research I discovered you can have a bump as early as 10 weeks if it’s not your first pregnancy.

I finally bought some maternity bras. I’ve needed them for weeks now, but even after trying 4 different stores I couldn’t find and that I was comfortable in. I really didn’t want to buy any online, but I got sick of store hopping. They will be coming in the mail soon, so here’s hoping!

Morning sickness is settling for the most part, but I can’t tell if it’s gone because I’ve been able to sleep in. The real test will be when I get another job and have to get up early in the morning again. I think this little one prefers to sleep in!

MIA

As y’all have probably noticed, I have been MIA for a bit on here. There were two reasons that I kinda disappeared. Firstly, I had a major depressive funk.

I just couldn’t bring myself out of it. The weather change didn’t help, but it was almost like my antidepressants took a vacation. I was dragging myself to work barely on time, dragging myself home to then put on pjs and curl up under a blanket. I just felt emotionally blah. I was at the point where I just didn’t feel anything. It was like I was sitting back and watching a movie of my daily life. To be honest, I’m still not fully out of it, but I do hope the worst has passed.

Secondly, as soon as I started to feel better, I found out that I was pregnant! I know we were trying, but boy, did it throw me for a loop. I couldn’t focus for a week! Needless to say, I’m scared with a dash of excitement. Every day feels like a year and I wish I could just get to the end of it.

Morning sickness has already made its appearance (I was really hoping to skip that this time!), along with bloating, headaches, back aches , hot flashes and very disconcerting intermittent pink discharge (I know it’s fine, but it scares me every time).

Morning sickness is the worst right now. I’m living on zofran and quickly finding out this kiddo’s food aversions. So far pulled pork was warned against with nausea, and Swiss cheese cubes plus ranch veggie straws were decidedly unappreciated and promptly removed from my stomach.

I’ll do weekly updates as I progress, please wish me luck!

Still “Off”

I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t been doing well lately–feeling not quite myself. The worst part is I don’t know why. I’m pretty damn sure it’s because everything in my life is changing all at one (well not EVERYTHING, but you know how it feels).

The season changed, and I suffer from SAD on top of my depression and anxiety. I got a new job, and it’s another cycle of TTC, We are heading into October which is Riley’s birthday month (Halloween to be exact), and I’m taking a swim in my past which I still don’t know if it’s gonna come back to bite me. I severed some connections that were long over due recently, and I’m in a financial battle with my old apartment complex that is sending my anxiety to 90 mph.

So after writing all that, I guess if I was doing well I would be superhuman. But dammit, I want to be superhuman and be able to handle everything. I am not good at taking one thing at a time, this isn’t the first time in my life where I have numerous changes happening at once–that’s pretty much the norm for me (sigh).

Long story short I apologize for my absence and am really trying to get back into the swing of things with writing on an every other day basis. Apparently my mind just needs to figure some shit out first and it’s gonna take it’s sweet time.

 

A Blank Mind

I really haven’t been in the mood to write lately. I’m just kinda stressed I think. Not only is stupid aunt flo in town, the hubs is also working late shift all week so I don’t get to see him pretty much at all.

I start my new job tomorrow, so today is my last day at my current one. Some co-workers brought in bagels, and I got a little stuffed elephant from my work bestie to put on my new desk. ❤

I think my mind is taking a processing break. I usually always have something on my mind, and feel like my brain is going a mile a minute. But I just don’t have anything I want to write about. I know I usually post daily, so I figured I needed to post something so people know I’m still here.

Maybe after my first day at work tomorrow I’ll feel like writing.

 

The waiting game

I’m officially playing the waiting game. Those 5 days before your period is supposed to show up that you can test to see if the magic happened. I’ve already taken 2 pregnancy tests (both negative) and am just trying to think positively. “It’s too early yet.”

Can I just say how much I hate this part? The over-analyzing every bodily feeling, people asking if I’ve tested yet (yes, duh!), the squinting at every test up to the light trying to see if there is a faint line. I wish my period could just send me an email:

Hey.

You’re preggers. *insert thumbs up emoji*

See you in 9 months.

-P

I really should just wait to test till after I’m supposed to get my period–every negative crushes me a little bit. Sigh. Back to nail biting and anxiety….

 

I can’t wait to–

As you have seen from some of my previous posts, I have the joy of managing depression, anxiety, and OCD. This on top of being a loss mom can kinda put a damper on getting pregnant again. Someone suggested to me to make a list of things I am excited to do once I have another child, no matter how “trivial” I feel that they are. Take a look!

  1. Go to the Zoo and look at the elephants (my fav) and the lions (dad’s fav).
  2. Taking maternity leave.
  3. Picking out new outfits for the babe.
  4. Family pictures.
  5. Spamming my friends and family with endless baby pictures.
  6. Play-dates.
  7. Napping together.
  8. Watching my dog love my baby.
  9. Have the feeling of going back to work.
  10. Baby snuggles.
  11. Hearing my baby laugh.
  12. Bringing out my inner child–pumpkin carving, easter egg hunts, hide and seek.
  13. Feeling like I have a purpose in life.
  14. Experience their first “everything.”
  15. Teaching my child to do something.
  16. Seeing Nick happy.
  17. Being needed.
  18. Hearing them say “Mommy.”
  19. A reason to decorate an entire room with elephants 🙂
  20. Knowing if I have a baby I can do ANYTHING.

This was fun to do, and really made me focus on the positives, not the potential negatives. I think this would be super fun to do with your child’s father!

PAL is so different

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We all know loss is hard, but remaking your life is just as bad. As a TTC PAL mom, I struggle with this. Today the phrase ” You know you are “X” if you…” popped into my mind. So I thought all day about my fears and insecurities of being PAL, and here is the result.

You know you’re a loss mom when:

You see those 2 lines and automatically think “hmm, wonder how long this one will last”, or “lets see if we make it past “X” number of weeks this time”.

You try to associate any and all signs of pregnancy (even if you are TTC) with something else. “It must be my anxiety”, or “I’ve probably got a stomach bug”.

You find out you’re not pregnant and even though you’re sad, there is that little twinge of relief in the back of your head; because it would be just that much easier to not have to open yourself to that kind of hurt again.

Everyone talks about your potential baby shower and you just smile and nod because who knows if you are even gonna have one or get that far.

People find out you are TTC and don’t understand why you aren’t taking a pregnancy test ASAP, not realizing how much courage it takes to even buy that damn thing.

Announcing your pregnancy is unthinkable. No cute pictures, onesies, or ultrasound scans. Instead, you think “How long can I hide this til I have to tell people who aren’t close to me?”

You ask your OB to not even tell you the Due Date yet because that way if something goes wrong again, that isn’t one more day of the year you’ll feel like shit.

It’s like a reflex to check for blood every time you use the bathroom.

You develop anxiety at the thought of having to go to an OB appointment–this might be the visit when you find out it’s all over….yet again.

You avoid planning a nursery until the last minute–just in case.

It takes a brave woman to be pregnant, but when its a PAL that woman becomes the bravest human alive. ❤