My Body, Part 1

This was a very difficult post to write, and it’s kinda dark–I had a hard time putting it into actual words and was angry the entire time I wrote it. This is also a 2 part post, so see the next post after you are done reading this one.

Everyone says you have to learn to trust your body again after stillbirth or miscarriage. Naturally, my first thought when writing this post was to define what trust was in terms of a woman and her body. I found this definition:

“The act of placing confidence in someone or something else.” 

At first I thought I nailed it. Placing confidence in someone translates for us as placing confidence in ourselves. But, the second part of the definition stopped me in my tracks. “Or something else.” Something else? Then it hit me–I see my body as “something else.”

I don’t see my body and I as one. I feel detached, like it’s just something I’m stuck with. As if it’s just the vessel that carries me, my psyche, my soul–whatever you want to call it–around. A defective, useless vessel. If my body was a car, I would trade it in, take it to the junkyard, get a refund. I realize I view my body and I as two separate things. It’s just what physically carries me around. I don’t want this body–it let me down. Not once, but twice; and I sure as hell don’t trust it to not let me down a third time.

I feel like my body didn’t do its job. When I miscarried Riley (as much as it emotionally hurt), at least I could think “my body knew there was something wrong, so it just shut it down.” Don’t get me started on my retort to my body that “Well, you should have known all the ingredients weren’t right and not have made the baby in the first place!”

But my body failed BIG TIME on Nyla.  Like, major FUBAR. A “your fired” kind of mistake. So how to I trust it again? Well guys–I don’t. I probably never will. But I’m stuck with it–it’s like a bad relationship, that ex you keep going back to. I can’t break up with it, divorce it, or pretend it doesn’t exist. I can’t even distance myself from it by moving out of state! I have no choice but to give it a nasty look and think “you better not fuck up AGAIN.”

So when it comes to trusting your body after loss–throw that shit out the window. It’s not gonna happen. So focus on your desire to have a child again over trust building. Drown out those feelings of distrust with thoughts of baby cuddles, laughs, and little outfits. Trust is gone, all we have left is hope.

 

 

3 thoughts on “My Body, Part 1

  1. JanLaw

    I think of it more as Mother Nature let me down when it came to The placenta failing findley. I personal think that when a baby is conserved we are merely the vessel in which is grows. We are not responsible for how it grows it’s organs etc.
    However I will admit that I to probable think of me and my body as separate entities

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    1. lifeoutoforder92 Post author

      Yes, if I had a failed placenta I think I would look at it differently too. For my Nyla with a random heart problem, I am angry at my body for not “catching it” when she was conceived. However, everyone is different, that just my personal feeling. Always good to hear another opinion tho! Thank you for sharing how you think/feel!

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  2. lifestylealert101

    Omg I read this and laughed cuz I relate to it so much. I was angry at my body for not knowing “the ingredients” were right to have my unborn child in the first place. I also have difficulty trusting it as well but that shouldn’t stop me or anyone from trying. Thanks for sharing though 🙂

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