I’m actually excited. Never thought I’d say those words.
After losing Nyla I thought that I would probably get pregnant again at some point (although I wasn’t sure), but felt that when it did happen, or when we started trying I would never be excited. I would never track my ovulation cycles, never sit there and wish I was pregnant. Would never start pinning baby things on Pinterest, never think of an announcement, or tell any one. Ever.
I thought I’d be taking an indifferent approach to the possibility.
Well folks, never say never.
When I made the conscious decision on Wednesday that we were going to start trying, I was freaking out probably anywhere from 3-5 out of 10 depending on how much I let myself think about it. I am actually surprised that I didn’t take a Xanax that night.
The next day I told my mother-in-law. I don’t speak to my biological mother, so Tracy is about as close as I’ll ever get to having a mom. She was awesome, didn’t make a big deal out of it, asked the right amount of questions and listened. She made me feel better–I don’t know how but she did.
Now I’m on day four of this journey. I found myself sitting at the table tonight watching my husband make dinner and remarked out loud to him, “I wish I was already pregnant.”
**insert record scratch** Say what?? Back it up. Did I just show some excitement?
Ok. I’ll admit it to myself. I am excited.
Not the same excited that you get when you first ever find out you are pregnant and have never been touched by the cold dark tendrils of child loss.
It’s a different kind of excited. I can feel it inside me. I don’t know if I will feel excited every day (knowing my anxious ass I’m gonna go with not) but I feel that I need to embrace it when it shows up. Allow myself to go on Pinterest and look at baby stuff. Think about names. Wonder if I’m pregnant already. Hope that I’m pregnant already.
Right now the “Scared Shit-less” meter is at a 1, and the “Excitement” meter is at an 8.
I know those meters are going to fluctuate, but I think I’m just gonna share it as it comes. This is my blog to help me and any other loss mom out there–so I will share my journey (ugh, so cliche!). The up and downs, if my pregnancy is going well, and also if my pregnancy is not going well. I tell you all about my anxiety, my joys and all the things I learn and discover as a PAL mom.
(PAL-Pregnant After Loss)
They say to take it one day at a time. Lets see what day 5 brings me.