Do you ever have something that happens to you that you think not only should I have seen that coming, but I could have prepared myself for that failure?
That, my friends, is how I feel about my 2 little loves in heaven.
I feel that I should have seen my miscarriage and subsequent stillbirth coming. I’ve had a tough life, even before those experiences–I spent 4 years just trying to forget the first 18 years of my life. Nothing in my life has ever come easy to me, I have always had to work my ass off and then some. So why did I think my life was suddenly going to turn for the better?
But more so than that, I have this odd feeling I could have prepared myself more. I mean, child loss runs in my family, and if you read my previous posts you can see that I was no stranger to it. So why was I out buying baby clothes, toys, diapers, and registering when I hadn’t even gotten into the 3rd trimester?
In reality, what on earth could I have done to prepare myself? Instead of reading about what body part my child was growing today on my daily app, should I have been finding a book called “How to survive pregnancy loss” or “What it will feel like to hold your dead child”? No! Absolutely not! I was doing the right thing–the best thing. Enjoying the little slice of heaven I thought would last forever.
Therein lies the real reason why I think “I should have seen it coming and been prepared”. I have never been a glass-half-full type of person. I am a die-hard glass-half-empty gal. I’d rather think the worst and then be pleasantly surprised. If I wanted something in life-I only wanted it because I knew I could get it-therefore avoiding any kind of disappointment.
But when you become pregnant, everything–every damn thing–changes. You start becoming a different person from the second you see those 2 lines.
That’s what it was. I was becoming a different person and now looking back, I am mad at myself that I started think about that glass being half full, not half empty. Mad at myself for my optimism. My hope. For actually wanting something in life that I couldn’t guarantee I would get.