This journal entry was about 6 weeks after Nyla’s birth. I think it is one of the more powerful entries I wrote.
“I held my daughter’s things today. I don’t know what prompted me to, I was just sitting on the bed.
I walk by her stuff every time I pass in and out of the bedroom as they are in one of those plastic shelving units by the door. I don’t know how to feel about all of her things fitting into one single drawer. It’s strange to me that she even has “things” as she was here for such a short time.
I remember coming home from the hospital and shoving all of it into that drawer thinking “What am I supposed to do with this? How long am I supposed to keep it for?”
“Whatever the reason, there I was sitting on the bedroom floor holding all of it. Her tiny little cloth diaper made out of pink fabric with hearts. The hand knitted pink hat with a rose on it, the glitzy butterfly clip that was on my room number so that everyone who walked in knew Nyla had passed. There was a pink teddy bear that some charity supplied the hospital with. I sat there and held it, realizing that it was bigger than Nyla was. Hospital bands, footprint cards, blankets, discharge paper–I kept it all. I haven’t even washed the blanket they first wrapped her in after she was born. There is still dried blood on it–hers or mine I don’t know.”
“Its strange to not be pregnant. I should be about 27 weeks now. Instead I’m smelling her things hoping for a whiff of hospital to remember her by.”