Shortly after I lost my baby girl Nyla, a longtime friend sent me a care package. It was filled with a loving note, little snacks, some funky socks and a journal. I took that journal and started writing. I haven’t written in it since this time last year, but I wanted to share two of the entries I wrote in the aftermath of my daughter dying. Below is #1.
Hemmingway said ” Write hard and clear about what hurts.” With that quote in mind I wrote this about Nyla 2 months after she passed.:
“What hurts? All the weird little shit no one thinks about.”
- Seeing my flat stomach not bulging with my child.
- My dog perking up when he sees kids…he will never see mine.
- Eating sushi, lunchmeat, or drinking a beer-I shouldn’t be able to do that right now.
- Wearing “that shirt” that I haven’t worn since I was pregnant.
- Nick still sleeping with his hand on my stomach.
- Putting a new birth control patch on every week.
Everyone warns you about that one song that comes on the radio, or always finding one more person that didn’t know what happened. Seeing other people announce pregnancies, or pictures of their smiling little children.
But every person that has lost a child knows that there are your own little things that get to you. They fade over time, but while they are fresh, they tear into your soul and make you relive the trauma all over again.