One foot in front of the other

Folks, I took another step today.

About 2 months ago I created a baby registry. I put 2 things on it and never touched it again.

Today, I filled it out with basic baby items. I felt like I needed to do something to address the fact that I still feel like I’m in denial that I’m pregnant again. I need to make this real to myself.

I just hit 11 weeks and a small bump popped up! I thought for sure it was too early, but after some research I discovered you can have a bump as early as 10 weeks if it’s not your first pregnancy.

I finally bought some maternity bras. I’ve needed them for weeks now, but even after trying 4 different stores I couldn’t find and that I was comfortable in. I really didn’t want to buy any online, but I got sick of store hopping. They will be coming in the mail soon, so here’s hoping!

Morning sickness is settling for the most part, but I can’t tell if it’s gone because I’ve been able to sleep in. The real test will be when I get another job and have to get up early in the morning again. I think this little one prefers to sleep in!

Turkey and Mistletoe

Ah, the holidays. Every loss mom’s 2nd most hated time of year.

A time to be grateful, thankful, spend time with your family. Spread cheer and good wishes. Decorations and parties, gifts and family pictures.

Well I’ll be honest. I hate all of it.

Don’t tell me to be grateful and thankful when my kids were ripped out of my life. I don’t want to spend time with family because my family is never complete. Screw your cheer and good wishes, life handed me misery and pain. I don’t have my kids to help decorate, go to cookie baking parties, help me messily wrap gifts or wear adorable outfits for the family photo.

My little one isn’t covered in mashed potatoes, or passed out in a sugar coma under the Christmas tree. There’s no making of Christmas lists or spying for Santa on the neighbors roof. I’m watching the Thanksgiving day parade and The Grinch by myself.

So how on earth do we deal with it? We stand up for ourselves and include our dearly missed children however we can.

I tell my mother in law that I am not going to church on Christmas Eve because I couldn’t give two shits about God since he took my kids away.

I unfollow my friends with little kids on social media for a bit so I don’t have to see all the cute little outfits, pictures on Santa’s lap, or faces covered in cookie frosting.

I make sure if there are any family photos that my necklace with Nyla’s ashes in it is visible on the front of my shirt.

I buy my kids Christmas ornaments every year and hang them front and center on the tree.

The holidays are a terrible time. Do what you have to to get through them. ❤

Live.

I understand that not everyone is an dog lover, but I am and this post is about how important my dog is to me. How he has helped me more than any therapy, drugs, or whatever else y’all can think of.

My dog’s name is Goliath. My husband picked this name because for him, G is a big dog at 85lbs. He is used to his mother bichon’s who are less than 20.

Goliath is almost 5, and from what we can tell is probably a great dane and pitbull mix.

Now I’ve had dogs before, but let me tell you, I’ve never had such a connection to one. He knew I was pregnant, he always had to lay with his head on my stomach. It is almost like Goliath knows me better than I know myself. I can tell you, he is the reason I am still alive.

After I lost Nyla I was in a downward spiral. Let me tell you, finding a reason to live after holding your dead child in your arms is hard.

G had always been by my side before this. He followed me everywhere and I took him everywhere, even if I was just running down to the gas station.

But after I lost Nyla, he wouldn’t leave me alone. He had to be in the same room as me. I always had to be in his line of sight. If I was crying, he would just lay down next to me instead of licking my face. It was like he knew I just had to let it out.

He sensed when my anxiety attacks were coming and would be all over me. He knew my silent thoughts as well.

I will always remember one night when I was sitting on the side of my bed. G was asleep on the couch in the living room and I wasn’t making any noise. Just sitting there quietly, holding a bottle of pills, and trying to find a reason to not swallow the lot of them and have the pain of losing Nyla be over.

Goliath just appeared. All of a sudden he was sitting by my side, with his paw on my knee looking at me as if to say “whatcha doin with those?”

That was it. I couldn’t do it. The second I saw his face I knew that I needed to be alive to take care of him. I didn’t need to take care of my husband, I have no other children, my friends could go on without me. But G needed me.

Like I said before, it is hard to find something to live for after holding your tiny daughters lifeless body, and maybe some people will make fun of me for living for my dog.

But I don’t care. You live for what you want to. I don’t care if it’s your garden, your church, your kids or your pet rock! Find something that makes you understand that somebody needs you.

So for me? I live for my dog. My crazy dog who thinks at 85lbs he can fit in my lap. Who is handsome as hell and knows it. He is there for me without any judgement.

He doesn’t complain that I’m crying for the 495th time in a month. He doesn’t care that sometimes I can’t get off the couch. He loves me when I don’t love myself.

My G dog. 💜

MIA

As y’all have probably noticed, I have been MIA for a bit on here. There were two reasons that I kinda disappeared. Firstly, I had a major depressive funk.

I just couldn’t bring myself out of it. The weather change didn’t help, but it was almost like my antidepressants took a vacation. I was dragging myself to work barely on time, dragging myself home to then put on pjs and curl up under a blanket. I just felt emotionally blah. I was at the point where I just didn’t feel anything. It was like I was sitting back and watching a movie of my daily life. To be honest, I’m still not fully out of it, but I do hope the worst has passed.

Secondly, as soon as I started to feel better, I found out that I was pregnant! I know we were trying, but boy, did it throw me for a loop. I couldn’t focus for a week! Needless to say, I’m scared with a dash of excitement. Every day feels like a year and I wish I could just get to the end of it.

Morning sickness has already made its appearance (I was really hoping to skip that this time!), along with bloating, headaches, back aches , hot flashes and very disconcerting intermittent pink discharge (I know it’s fine, but it scares me every time).

Morning sickness is the worst right now. I’m living on zofran and quickly finding out this kiddo’s food aversions. So far pulled pork was warned against with nausea, and Swiss cheese cubes plus ranch veggie straws were decidedly unappreciated and promptly removed from my stomach.

I’ll do weekly updates as I progress, please wish me luck!

Still “Off”

I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t been doing well lately–feeling not quite myself. The worst part is I don’t know why. I’m pretty damn sure it’s because everything in my life is changing all at one (well not EVERYTHING, but you know how it feels).

The season changed, and I suffer from SAD on top of my depression and anxiety. I got a new job, and it’s another cycle of TTC, We are heading into October which is Riley’s birthday month (Halloween to be exact), and I’m taking a swim in my past which I still don’t know if it’s gonna come back to bite me. I severed some connections that were long over due recently, and I’m in a financial battle with my old apartment complex that is sending my anxiety to 90 mph.

So after writing all that, I guess if I was doing well I would be superhuman. But dammit, I want to be superhuman and be able to handle everything. I am not good at taking one thing at a time, this isn’t the first time in my life where I have numerous changes happening at once–that’s pretty much the norm for me (sigh).

Long story short I apologize for my absence and am really trying to get back into the swing of things with writing on an every other day basis. Apparently my mind just needs to figure some shit out first and it’s gonna take it’s sweet time.

 

Absolute Blah.

As some of you might have noticed, I haven’t posted or read in a while. I can’t say I have a particular reason why, I’ve just been feeling….”hermity”? I just want to stay home, in pj’s, under the comforter imagining a different life.  I think I am going through another depression cycle, probably due to the cloudy and rainy weather we are having where I live.

I can usually tell I’m cycling again, but this one snuck up on me. I’m overly tired and not particularly interested in doing pretty much anything (including blogging). I see myself shy away from my usual barrage of texting and snapchatting. I just feel emotionally detached, like I’m standing back and watching my life apathetically.

So what to do to get out of this depression funk?

Normally I’d head straight for the outdoors with my dog, but since neither him or I like rain that isn’t gonna happen.

The problem is, you can’t just banish depression…it has to work its way out. So, onto a compromise. The best I can do is distract myself in hope that it gets the GTFO message.

I’ll get into my pajama’s and curl up in bed–but then I have to study while in cozied up. I started a new job and have the opportunity to obtain 3 certifications, but the studying is all up to me.

If I don’t feel like studying, I’ll curl up on the couch downstairs and watch TV with my  in-laws–making myself be social.

I’ll grab a book and sit on the screened in porch to get that fresh air that always makes me feel better.

Wednesday nights are date night, so I’m thinking of dragging my hubby into a game of cards or a board game instead of our usual movie.

What do you do to get yourself out of a funk?

 

Project Benjamin

ALL CREDITS TO DANA DEWEDOFF

A dear friend shared this article with me and it resonated so much that I knew I needed to share it with all of you too.

https://riseforwomen.org/rise-projects/projectbenjamin

Project Benjamin #TheyMatterToo Campaign

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

Sometimes #Struggledoesnothavealook 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage or loss, yet how many women do you know who actually talk about it? We are the face of 1 in 4 pregnancies. Start the discussion. We wrote down the common things people say to us before and sometimes even after knowing about our losses.

The things said to us can sometimes hurt. Our babies matter too.

It appears that Michelle has the “perfect life.” Great job, fit, and is usually seen SMILING. But the truth is, Michelle lost her daughter Micah in 2012, a loss she struggles with every single day.

When Shannon is asked how many children she has, she usually gasps because she does not know what to say. Should she tell them two? Should she tell them three?

When Melissa tells people she lost her daughter Averi, at 28 weeks, they sometimes respond with, “Well you can adopt.”

People often ask Andrea when she is going to start having children. But she has one. An angel.

Dara Sawyer said that the comment that hurts her the most is “You’re so lucky! You have one of each!” But she actually has two boys and one girl. One boy is an angel.

Christina is often told “maybe it was meant to be” regarding the loss of her Son, Hunter Anthony at 25 weeks, 2 days.

At the age of 15, Aubrey was told her baby was not a “baby”. She had an abortion. Years later, she suffered a miscarriage. She again was told, “It’s not a baby.”

Christina said that many people will say, “He needs a brother!” to her. Little do they know, she has suffered the pain of losing a son shortly after birth and a miscarriage.

People have said “but he never lived” about her son Lennon, who was born still. This hurts Morgan.

Dana went for a well visit check almost every week since finding out she was pregnant. In June, she went for a routine check. She was just entering the second trimester. The doctor discovered there was no heartbeat. Minutes later, she told Dana that “it was the wrong baby. And her body was doing it’s job to get rid of it.”